Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst
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Who Cares - What Matters
TRUTH. . .
I’m not all that crazy this Jason Mraz song
but the lyrics
. . .well now. . .
AND THEIR MEANING. . .
Now if I could only
APPLY THEM
(l i b e r a l l y)
Feels like I’m surfing on a sound wave Zooming through the universe Feels like we’re bouncing off of light waves I bounce so hard sometimes it hurts
Every time I think I’m stuck The sun moves along and my shadow gets up
If you’re lost; relax; and be where your feet are
Every time I try to follow someone’s way My end result is not the same But then I do that thing – that thing I do that’s just for me And amazing things start happening And again, and again,
Every time I think I’m stuck The sun moves along and my shadow gets up
If you’re lost; relax; and be where your feet are
Outer space is where I’m spacing out Still looking up when I’m feeling down I try to walk the talk I talk but the tale is tall and when I look up It’s still too easy to feel small – still I’ve found…
If you’re lost; just relax; and be where your feet are If you ever get lost; relax; and be where your feet are If you ever get lost; kick back; and be where your feet are If you ever get lost; relax; and be where your feet are Be where your feet are (I’m gonna be right here)
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
Don’t look ahead
. . .Just be
WHERE YOUR FEET ARE
and be shocked at the amazing places
not so much that you will go
But Discover
RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE. . .
YOU BLEW IT
YOU KNEW IT
DON’T CHEW IT
JUST DO IT. . .
SAY
“I AM SORRY”
. . but how. . .
(when just one way doesn’t feel enough)
Apologies are how we smooth over conflicts and repair relationships, prove our character to others, and coexist as imperfect beings. Yet few of us know how to do it well—or have the bravery to do so.
“A good apology builds bridges. It heals wounds,” says Marjorie Ingall, coauthor of the new book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies. “It’s also really hard. Apologizing is a courageous act, because we’re overcoming all of our own animal instincts and all of our own self-protectiveness when we do it.”
Sincere apologies can be difficult to nail. Everyone wants to feel like a good person, which can lead to defensiveness—we talk ourselves out of the idea that we did something wrong in order to safeguard our sense of self. “We immediately turn to excuses, justifications, reasons why the victim provoked us,” says Karina Schumann, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh who’s researched the barriers to apologizing. “And if we’re able to convince ourselves of that, then that can—in our minds—preclude the need for an apology.” Or, perhaps we don’t care enough about fixing a certain relationship to apologize, she adds. We might also overestimate how uncomfortable delivering the apology will be, or assume that it won’t work.
But sincere apologies bring a host of benefits to the person delivering the message and the one receiving it. They help solidify relationships and mend trust, both of which can lower stress and improve mental health. “It’s really unhealthy to hold onto shame and guilt and not try to work through your emotions around negative behaviors and harmful acts you’ve committed,” Schumann says. Plus, some research indicates that those receiving apologies can experience improvements in blood pressure and heart rate, as well as increased activation of empathy-related brain regions that set the stage for forgiveness and reconciliation.
If you’re ready for your mea culpa moment, here are eight keys to apologizing well.
Apologies are better late than early, says Cindy Frantz, a social psychologist at Oberlin College who has researched how timing influences apology effectiveness. “What we found is that there can be a temptation to offer an apology quickly,” she says. “It’s an effort to shut the whole incident down and move on. And that benefits the perpetrator, but it doesn’t meet the needs of the victim.”
You can’t deliver an effective apology until and unless the injured party believes that you fully understand what you did wrong, she says. “If the apology comes before that, it’s not going to be seen as sincere.”
If you’re dealing with a relatively minor offense, consider apologizing over text message or in person, Ingall suggests. Emails often work well for more serious situations. “And if you really screwed up, there’s something very powerful about a stamp and nice stationery and a pen,” she says. Just don’t issue your apology via social media, which can be humiliating for everyone involved.
Another rule of thumb: “When you’re apologizing to someone, you have to give them an out,” Ingall says. “You don’t want somebody to feel trapped by you—they need an escape route.” Don’t block the pathway out of someone’s work cubicle, for instance, or lean into their car window so they’re unable to pull away.
Use the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” Opting instead for phrases like “I regret” or “I feel bad about what happened” often results in non-apologies, which “have the vague contours of an apology, but don’t actually get there,” Ingall says. (See: The classic “sorry if you were offended” or “sorry, but…” approaches.) Plus, saying you regret something puts the focus on you and your emotions, when it needs to center squarely on the wronged person’s feelings.
Why should you apologize if you’re both at fault? That’s exactly the question many people struggle with, Schumann says—and certainly, there often is dual-responsibility. “But I like to encourage people to really focus on taking responsibility for the parts of the conflict that they’re responsible for,” she says. Avoid the urge to phrase it as, “I’m sorry I did this, but you also did that.” The inclination to do so is “normal, because we want to contextualize our behavior and call attention to the fact that we’re also hurt,” she says. But save it for later on in the conversation.
Always choose your words carefully when apologizing, advises Lisa Leopold, an associate professor of English language studies at the Middlebury Institute of International Studies at Monterey who has analyzed the language of public apologies. Avoid conditional phrases, like “if” or “may”—as in, “I’m sorry if anyone was offended,” which suggests that perhaps there were no victims. “But” is another misstep. It undercuts your message, she notes.
It’s crucial to use “I” or “my” while apologizing, Leopold adds. For example, say “I’m sorry for my outburst,” rather than “I’m sorry for the interaction this morning.” And always use the active voice. “If you say something like, ‘I apologize for what happened,’ well, ‘what happened’ is something you have no control over,” she says.
It can also be helpful to utilize intensifiers such as “very,” “truly,” “sincerely,” “deeply,” and “extremely.” These can “enhance the language of an apology,” Leopold notes.
One of the core elements of an apology is making reparations. Sometimes, Schumann says, that will be possible in a direct way: You broke their favorite wine glass? Buy them a new one. Spilled coffee on their dress? Pay for the dry-cleaning.
If that’s not feasible, consider more symbolic forms of repair. For example, if you hurt someone’s feelings with a critical comment, make it clear that you misspoke. “Sometimes you can’t repair what’s happened, but you can think about the relationship moving forward,” she says. “How can you communicate a promise to behave better?” It’s important for the other person “to hear that this is not going to continue…and they can trust you to improve your behavior in the future.”
A variety of things can help make it clear your words are coming from the heart, Schumann says. First, the apology should match the severity of the offense. If you’re apologizing for infidelity and say, “Sorry about that, love,” you won’t come across as very genuine, she notes; however, those words might be adequate if you’re 10 minutes late for dinner.
You should also aim to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and convey that you understand what you did was hurtful to them, and the consequences they dealt with as a result. It can be helpful to listen first and ask them questions about their vantage point, Schumann advises. “That might allow you to really understand what they’re going through, and therefore be able to offer a more authentic, victim-focused apology.”
An apology is a starting point. Particularly with severe offenses, the person wronged will often need time and space to heal, and it’s important not to pressure them. It can be tempting to follow up with something like, “What’s wrong? I apologized—how long are you going to hold onto this?” Instead, Schumann suggests checking in like this: “I understand this isn’t going to fix everything, and I want to continue to do whatever I can to make this right by you. I hope that, even if you’re not ready to forgive me, you’re open to working with me to get us to a point where we can move forward.”
Now, just remember
WHEN THE SHOE’S ON THE OTHER FOOT
Without a doubt
The Worst Critic
you will ever encounter is the one
that stares back at you
from the mirror. . .
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
the things this mirror image will yell at you,
YOU’RE UGLY
YOU’RE STUPID
YOU’RE SO DUMB
YOU’RE AN IDIOT
YOU’RE NO GOOD
YOU’RE WORTHLESS
YOU ARE_________________________
and it’s always the
_________________________________
that shouts the loudest
B U T
IT IS NOT TRUE
is what you need to yell
back
L O U D E R
(every time )
I’m very ugly
So don’t try to convince me that
I am a very beautiful person
Because at the end of the day
I hate myself in every single way
And I’m not going to lie to myself by saying
There is beauty inside of me that matters
So rest assured I will remind myself
That I am a worthless, terrible person
And nothing you say will make me believe
I still deserve love
Because no matter what
I am not good enough to be loved
And I am in no position to believe that
Beauty does exist within me
Because whenever I look in the mirror I always think
Am I as ugly as people say?
(Now read bottom up)
by Abdullah Shoaib
Only Time Will Tell By JJ Heller, David Heller and Andy Gullahorn
There’s not enough paper in this world There’s not enough ink to write it down No melody is sweet enough No metaphor is deep enough To describe the treasure I have found
I keep trying to tell you how I feel But I always come up short How beautiful you are to me But there aren’t enough words I keep trying to write a love song But it’s hard to say it well Love is a story that only time will tell
It’s one thing to say “for better or worse” And another when you find out what that means So much happens over time Some dreams come true and some will die How do you describe that kind of thing
I keep trying to tell you how I feel But I always come up short How beautiful you are to me But there aren’t enough words I keep trying to write a love song But it’s hard to say it well Love is a story that only time will tell
I’ve searched libraries And dictionaries Studied poets Still all I know is
I keep trying to tell you how I feel But I always come up short How beautiful you are to me But there aren’t enough words I keep trying to write a love song But it’s hard to say it well Love is a story that only time will tell Love is a story that only time will tell
PRETTY POWERFUL, STUFFS, huh, but not quite as powerful as the LOVE that’s shown here. J J Heller, is an artist I’ve loved for a long time because the music that she and her husband, Dave create often create something in us, or at least shines a light on what’s been created and now needs some special noticing.
J J goes on to share, even more personally:
This video gets me every single time.
When we’re young we make vows imagining an easy and wonderful future. We say “for better or worse” even though we don’t know what lies ahead. We promise to be faithful, supportive and true no matter what.
Making these promises is indeed an act of love, but living out this love in hospitals, worse-case diagnoses and late-night bouts with pain.. that’s a love on another level. A deeper, expanded love.
With that said, this beautiful video is dedicated to those fighting through intense physical challenges, and to those who love them fiercely and relentlessly.
A huge thank you to this brave couple who has allowed us to share part of their story with the world in hopes it will bring healing and encouragement.
And another giant thank you to Joy Prouty for capturing this sacred footage, both of their labor and delivery several years ago, and also of the recovery from a double mastectomy mere weeks ago.
And thanks to Dave Heller and Andy Gullahorn for writing this beautiful song with me.
Love is a story that only time will tell. 🧡
Just one Question:
WHAT
OF
YOUR
L O V E. . . ?
ARE YOU. . . ?
Are you Sensitive?
On that imaginary scale of 1 to 10 where would you rate yourself, 1–not so sensitive or 10, extremely Sensitive or just somewhere in the middle. . . ?
W A I T. . .
W H A T. . .
IS BEING SENSITIVE GOOD OR BAD. . .
Getty Image
When was the last time you bragged about being sensitive?
Most likely, the answer is never. There are plenty of traits we take pride in but being “sensitive” is usually perceived as a weakness. It’s used to mean you’re fragile, thin-skinned, or just overreacting. Men are told that they shouldn’t be sensitive at all, whereas women are told not to be “so” sensitive—an infuriating set of words that ought to be retired.
Either way, the message sensitive people get isn’t to celebrate who they are. It’s that they should “overcome” their sensitivity and “toughen up.” Putting aside that this approach doesn’t work, it’s wrongheaded. Sensitivity is largely genetic, and not something you can turn off. It is a trait linked to giftedness and something we ought to embrace. In fact, according to three decades of research, it’s not only a healthy trait, it also serves as a a powerful asset.
As a personality trait, being sensitive means you take in more information from your environment, and you do more with it. Sensitive people are wired at a brain level to process information more deeply than others do. That includes sensory input (like noticing the texture of a fabric), emotional input (reading social cues), and ideas (spending a longer time thinking things through and making more connections between concepts).
If you’re sensitive, this deep processing changes the way you see the world. You probably notice what others miss, think, and feel deeply, and have a vivid inner life. You probably also get overstimulated in situations that don’t bother anyone else. If so, you’re not alone. Roughly 30% of all people, regardless of gender, score high for sensitivity. These individuals, sometimes called highly sensitive people (HSPs), are wired to go deep. And that depth comes with gifts.
The most well-known and celebrated sensitive gift is creativity. It’s perhaps the one generalization that’s true: Sensitive people tend to be highly creative, and many—perhaps most—artists, musicians, and actors are themselves sensitive people.
But creativity doesn’t end with the arts. The same ability translates to innovation. Many of our greatest thinkers and scientists throughout history have been sensitive people, including Charles Darwin, who was not only creative but contemplative, humble, conscientious, and full of strong emotions — the model of a sensitive person. Sensitive people have this capacity for innovation because they tend to be deep thinkers who spend more time and energy turning problems over in their heads—and end up seeing more possibilities and solutions.
A second strength sensitive people have is their decision making ability. In studies involving both humans and monkeys, the subjects who are sensitive—based on having gene variants associated with sensitivity—tend to outperform others on a variety of cognitive tasks, particularly those that require noticing patterns and using them to predict outcomes and make smart decisions.
This decision-making ability may give sensitive people an evolutionary advantage. In a 2008 computer simulation of natural selection, creatures who spent more resources considering their options and comparing them to past results, as sensitive people do, came out ahead long-term compared to less-sensitive creatures. They amassed more resources over time and out-survived others. In the wilderness, that might mean tracking down game when everyone is hungry. In the boardroom, it means steering companies to the top of their industry.
But perhaps the greatest advantage of sensitive people is what we call the “Boost Effect.” The “Boost Effect” means that sensitive people get more of a boost from the same things that help anyone. For example, a 2022 study looked at hundreds of couples at risk of divorce. The couples had been given a relationship training to improve their marriages, and at a glance, it seemed to help: The couples who received it were more likely to stay together. But when researchers gave the subjects personality tests, they found that it was the sensitive people who were most likely to use the training to save their marriages. Not only that, the couples where at least one person was sensitive reported an improvement in relationship quality overall—they became happier with each other. Other couples got no such benefit.
The Boost Effect isn’t limited to relationships. Over and over, researchers find that sensitive people are supercharged by any form of training or support. If you’re a sensitive person, you can activate this ability by curating a supportive environment around yourself—such as a group of supportive friends—and by seeking out resources such as mentoring, training, therapy, or coaching.
Sensitive people do pay a price for these gifts, however, by becoming overstimulated. Overstimulation is what happens when there is simply too much information for the brain to keep going deep. It feels like brain fog, fatigue, anxiety, and a sense of overwhelm; it happens in situations that are too loud, too chaotic, or too emotionally intense. (A rushed day at work and a conflict with a partner are both common triggers.) This is the only time when sensitive people really might seem less “tough” than others, but sensitive people can learn to largely prevent it—particularly by building time into each day to simply let the mind process and “catch up.” For sensitive people, even sensitive extroverts, a little bit of quiet alone time goes a very long way.
If any of this sounds like you, you might be more sensitive than you realize. If so, you have probably felt the pressure to hide it. But that’s a trap. You cannot make yourself less sensitive than you are and trying to do so only cuts you off from your gifts.
Instead, the single most important step you can take for yourself is what society has told you not to do your whole life: Stop hiding from your sensitivity. Embrace it, and show it to the world.
SO. . .
Let’s Rinse and REPEAT:
ARE YOU. . . ?
Are you Sensitive?
On that imaginary scale of 1 to 10 where would you rate yourself, 1–not so sensitive or 10, extremely Sensitive or just somewhere in the middle. . . ?
W A I T. . .
W H A T. . .
IS BEING SENSITIVE GOOD OR BAD. . . ?
Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
H I D I N G
is no longer an alternative or shame
for being Sensitive
EMBRACE YOUR SUPER POWER
and EveryOne Else
will benefit
(you too)
It’s one thing to take a song
and make it your song;
It’s even better
if you make it ANOTHER’S. . .
yea. . .
Please make Your Song
ANOTHER’S song. . .
The Sharing will be the Caring. . .
Make your life,
your living
SING OUT LOUD
especially for all those
who have forgotten
they have their own Song
to SHARE, too. . .