The Caring Catalyst

SOMETIMES, UP ON A BOX

ChuckBehrens — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 11:00:34 +0000

It’s true. . .
You may never get an Answer
if you don’t ask a Question
but it’s just as true
that sometimes the best Answers
require no Questions. . .

MY SAVIOR COMPLEX

ChuckBehrens — Wed, 12 Apr 2023 11:00:53 +0000

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU’D LIKE TO BE DONE UNTO YOU. . .RIGHT
Or better,
DO UNTO OTHERS AS THEY REALLY WANT DONE UNTO THEM. . .
I mean these are really great aspirations for yourself
FOR OTHERS
. . .or are they the worst?
it’s real close to liking you to break open the
Butterfly Cocoon
before it’s ready
. . .seemingly to make it easier
But actually doing it the most harm ever. . .
THE SAVIOR COMPLEX
I’ve always had one
and thought it noble
and even sometimes wore it as a
Badge of Honor
until I saw I was actually doing more harm
than any kind of well intended
G O O D
so when an article about SAVIOR COMPLEXING comes across my attention
I SOAK IT UP
and ok, fine, here’s the truest of true Confessions:
I end up making this Complex even more
C O M P L E X I N G
and yet, I read on and invite you to do the same now with this article from a recent Psychology Today by Mark Travers, Ph.D., an American psychologist with degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder.

Source: Aamir Suhail / Unsplash

3 Ways to Control the Urge to Save

Everyone. . .

Dr. Travers shares that many people come to therapy troubled by their inability to help someone in need. They may say things like:

“Why do I always feel attracted to people who have had lots of troubles in life?”
“I make every sacrifice possible to help him, but he still doesn’t change.”
“If I’m constantly trying to change my significant other for the better, does that mean I’m not accepting of them?”

If you relate to any of these questions, you may have a savior complex. At first glance, your behaviors might point to your helpful nature. But, when examined more closely, your savior complex can be psychologically unhealthy as it can give you an external outlet to focus on instead of addressing your own problems.

Helpfulness is a valued and pro-social trait, but there is a difference between helping and saving. A savior complex goes beyond our ability to help people, crossing into the realm of trying to be a hero in someone else’s life for your benefit more than theirs.

Here I’ll talk about three ways you can manage your instinct to want to “save” people.

1. Practice active listening

When people confide in you, they are often looking for an outlet to let out pent-up emotions instead of wanting to “be fixed.” A big problem for many “saviors” is the mistaken assumption that people are incapable of solving their own issues. If you take up the practice of listening more actively, you may learn that this person is perhaps just looking for a supportive shoulder and someone who will listen.

A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology finds that listening carefully and attentively increases the level of humility in any conversation, resulting in a positive feedback loop of increased humility and better listening.

Here are two ways to up your listening skills, according to the researchers:

Don’t be afraid of silence. Silent moments are essential for building a good conversation. Allow yourself to be silent to enable the other person to speak. For instance, when a friend comes to you with a problem, aim to understand rather than immediately reply. Instead, watch for their body language, which speaks volumes (e.g., tensed shoulders may express fear or hesitation).
Believe in the benefits of listening. Familiarize yourself with the benefits of listening. This will motivate you to become a better listener.

2. Wait it out before stepping in

Aside from practicing active listening, resist your urge to intervene. You may find that people can often come to their own aid when helping themselves is the only real way out.

If you try to be the fixer of all their problems, you run the risk of unintentionally pushing them towards a sense of learned helplessness, where they lose the perspective to be able to diagnose and address their own issues.

When a loved one comes to you with an issue, refrain from offering assistance or suggestions right off the bat. Remind yourself that you can be present for someone without having to rescue them. Instead, you can offer validation that shows that you understand and empathize with them and are there for them whenever they need to vent.

3. Hold in your urge to help until you are asked for it

One key aspect of the savior complex is the ingrained desire to help even when it’s not wanted or requested. Assuming that the other person is incapable of helping themselves may reflect or be perceived as a superiority complex on your end.

Instead, you can offer assistance in low-pressure ways that keeps the ball in their court. For instance, ask the other person questions like, “This situation seems quite tough. Is there any way I can help?”

Follow their guidance if they ask you to help in a certain way instead of assuming that you know what’s best.

Now READING and Article and even remotely trying to implement it makes not an expert but. . .
It’s a beginning (a g a i n)

Managing your savior instincts may seem difficult at first, but it’s a learnable skill. Even though you may believe you are doing someone a favor, saving someone who doesn’t want to be saved may backfire. Wait until this person asks for your assistance since it’s likely that someone who truly needs it will ask you for it directly.
And remember
Even as you’re Reaching Out
To REACH IN
f i r s t
IS THIS HELPING THEM
MORE THAN
APPEASING ME. . . ?

The GREAT Maybe

ChuckBehrens — Mon, 03 Jan 2022 12:00:00 +0000

The short movie clip
is from the 2012 Movie,
NEW YEAR’S EVE. . .
(WOW–Already 10 years old)

It, appropriately asks us to
P A U S E
and reflect on all of the
GOOD and BAD
from the past
present
future
NOW
we might not have to go any further than
this-brand-spanking-new-year-of 2022
but. . .

What’s the

W O R S T

thing that’s ever happened to you that ended up being the absolute

B E S T

thing that has ever happened to you?

We should all have required knee replacements for all of the

KNEE JERK REACTIONS

we participate in

with every single event that takes place in our lives on a day-to-day basis!

I’ve never met anyone,

especially myself

who hasn’t thought that when it’s

O V E R

GOOD

BAD,

IT IS OVER

But there is no real

O V E R

No real beginnings

No real endings

just this

C O N T I N U I N G

that’s seen it all before. . .

Good?

Bad?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . .

m a y b e . . .

and that only gets answered by

2 0 2 2

A Brand New Year

and not how it defines you. . .

but how you will

D E F I N E I T
DOES THAT NOT SUM UP THE LAST TWENTY-ONE MONTHS. . . ?
A D V I C E
?
It has been years since
I’ve had resolutions
or even hard set goals. . .

Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst of the y e a r s :
NO RESOLUTIONS
NO GOALS
NO SET TASKS
NO CHECK LISTS. . .

Just spend a few minutes
O F T E N
going over your purposes
meanings
reasons
destiny’s
FOR BEING HERE
N O W
and be able to explain it
c l e a r l y
in 25 words
or
l e s s. . .
And in the mean time
even as the new year
l i t e r a l l y
begins tick-tockking away
it’s nice to look back ahead and
T H I N K:

IT MAKES YOU THINK

ChuckBehrens — Mon, 23 Apr 2018 11:00:03 +0000

I love the story of a man who died and went to Heaven. . .

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates,

Saint Peter asks him just one simple question:

“HOW DID YOU ENJOY HEAVEN?”

Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:

D O N ‘ T W A I T

Not one of us can

A D D

another Day to our Lives. . .

but there’s also not a

Single ONE of US

that can’t

I N C R E A S E

more LIFE to any Day

W E L I V E. . .

D O N ‘ T

W A I T