It’s true.         .          .
You may never get an Answer
if you don’t ask a Question
but it’s just as true
that sometimes the best Answers
require no Questions.          .          .

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU’D LIKE TO BE DONE UNTO YOU.    .    .RIGHT
Or better,
DO UNTO OTHERS AS THEY REALLY WANT DONE UNTO THEM.   .   .
I mean these are really great aspirations for yourself
FOR OTHERS
.            .            .or are they the worst?
it’s real close to liking you to break open the
Butterfly Cocoon
before it’s ready
.       .     .seemingly to make it easier
But actually doing it the most harm ever.         .         .
THE  SAVIOR  COMPLEX
I’ve always had one
and thought it noble
and even sometimes wore it as a
Badge of Honor
until I saw I was actually doing more harm
than any kind of well intended
G                 O                 O                 D
so when an article about SAVIOR COMPLEXING comes across my attention
I SOAK IT UP
and ok, fine, here’s the truest of true Confessions:
I end up making this Complex even more
C     O     M     P     L     E     X     I     N     G
and yet, I read on and invite you to do the same now with this article from a recent Psychology Today by Mark Travers, Ph.D., an American psychologist with degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder.

Source: Aamir Suhail / Unsplash

3 Ways to Control the Urge to Save

Everyone.       .       .

Dr. Travers shares that many people come to therapy troubled by their inability to help someone in need. They may say things like:

• “Why do I always feel attracted to people who have had lots of troubles in life?”
• “I make every sacrifice possible to help him, but he still doesn’t change.”
• “If I’m constantly trying to change my significant other for the better, does that mean I’m not accepting of them?”

If you relate to any of these questions, you may have a savior complex. At first glance, your behaviors might point to your helpful nature. But, when examined more closely, your savior complex can be psychologically unhealthy as it can give you an external outlet to focus on instead of addressing your own problems.

Helpfulness is a valued and pro-social trait, but there is a difference between helping and saving. A savior complex goes beyond our ability to help people, crossing into the realm of trying to be a hero in someone else’s life for your benefit more than theirs.

Here I’ll talk about three ways you can manage your instinct to want to “save” people.

1. Practice active listening

When people confide in you, they are often looking for an outlet to let out pent-up emotions instead of wanting to “be fixed.” A big problem for many “saviors” is the mistaken assumption that people are incapable of solving their own issues. If you take up the practice of listening more actively, you may learn that this person is perhaps just looking for a supportive shoulder and someone who will listen.

A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology finds that listening carefully and attentively increases the level of humility in any conversation, resulting in a positive feedback loop of increased humility and better listening.

Here are two ways to up your listening skills, according to the researchers:

• Don’t be afraid of silence. Silent moments are essential for building a good conversation. Allow yourself to be silent to enable the other person to speak. For instance, when a friend comes to you with a problem, aim to understand rather than immediately reply. Instead, watch for their body language, which speaks volumes (e.g., tensed shoulders may express fear or hesitation).
• Believe in the benefits of listening. Familiarize yourself with the benefits of listening. This will motivate you to become a better listener.

2. Wait it out before stepping in

Aside from practicing active listening, resist your urge to intervene. You may find that people can often come to their own aid when helping themselves is the only real way out.

If you try to be the fixer of all their problems, you run the risk of unintentionally pushing them towards a sense of learned helplessness, where they lose the perspective to be able to diagnose and address their own issues.

When a loved one comes to you with an issue, refrain from offering assistance or suggestions right off the bat. Remind yourself that you can be present for someone without having to rescue them. Instead, you can offer validation that shows that you understand and empathize with them and are there for them whenever they need to vent.

3. Hold in your urge to help until you are asked for it

One key aspect of the savior complex is the ingrained desire to help even when it’s not wanted or requested. Assuming that the other person is incapable of helping themselves may reflect or be perceived as a superiority complex on your end.

Instead, you can offer assistance in low-pressure ways that keeps the ball in their court. For instance, ask the other person questions like, “This situation seems quite tough. Is there any way I can help?”

Follow their guidance if they ask you to help in a certain way instead of assuming that you know what’s best.

Now READING and Article and even remotely trying to implement it makes not an expert but.        .       .
It’s a beginning (a g a i n)

Managing your savior instincts may seem difficult at first, but it’s a learnable skill. Even though you may believe you are doing someone a favor, saving someone who doesn’t want to be saved may backfire. Wait until this person asks for your assistance since it’s likely that someone who truly needs it will ask you for it directly.
And remember
Even as you’re Reaching Out
To REACH IN
f            i            r            s            t
IS THIS HELPING THEM
MORE THAN 
APPEASING ME.          .          .          ?

Just in case
any or all
of the above happened to be the case. . .
NEWS FLASH:

Here’s an Easy Way to Become More Patient

Illustration by Sydney Rae Hass for TIMEBY ALEXANDRA SIFFERLIN APRIL 4, 2016

Would you rather take $30 today, or wait for $50 three weeks from now? While the average person would grab the money and run, a new study finds that people with one particular emotional trait—those who are gracious—have more patience and self-control.

“The human mind has a tendency to value the present more than the future,” says study author David DeSteno, a professor of psychology at Northeastern University. “That’s related to all kinds of bad outcomes, from credit card debt to addiction.” According to DeSteno, a person’s emotional states have long been blamed for that person’s impatience, and the path to becoming more patient was thought to be through logic and willpower. But in his new study, published in the journal Emotion, DeSteno and his team set out to find if some emotions, specifically gratitude, can actually help people become more patient.

In the study, the researchers asked 105 people to complete a task on a computer. When they were close to finishing, the computer was rigged to break down. The experimenter would come in and say that when it’s fixed, the person will have to start the task over from the beginning. Then, another actor in the room would try to help the person fix the computer. Eventually, the actor would hit a button on the computer that would cause it to come back to life in five seconds, right where the person left off. Most of the people in the study reported feeling gratitude towards the actor. For the next three weeks, the researchers continued to measure gratitude levels. People who felt more gratitude during that frustrating computer task were also more likely to feel gratitude throughout their week.

W O W
and we just thought
G R A T I T U D E
was good for a day
a Season
served with
lots of fixings
dressings
friends. . .

At the end of three weeks, the men and women were offered some cash immediately or a higher amount later on. People in the study who were more gracious were more willing to wait for more money down the line.

“We found that gratitude increases people’s self control, and it increases their ability to wait,” says DeSteno. “[When] you cultivate gratitude in your life, it’s like a self-control buffer. It helps you more frequently be ready to resist temptation and do the right thing, whatever that right thing may be.”

The trick, according to DeSteno, is to not always focus on the biggest things in your life that you’re thankful for. “If you think about the same thing every day you are going to eventually habituate to it,” he says. Instead, focus on smaller things, like a nice favor someone did for you.

“By taking time to count your blessings and focus on things that you are grateful for, you are enhancing your self control,” he says.

So. . .
Just where were you at
THAT DAY
they passed out
P A T I E N C E. . . ?
Has it drained from you like water from a colander. . .
Is it too late to go back, stand in line, WAIT. . .
Is it truly a way to extend
T H A N K S G I V I N G
past the WISHBONE
and the last piece of pie. . . ?

FOR THE BENEFITS
be willing to
FIND OUT. . .

I love the story of a man who died and went to Heaven.          .          .

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates,

Saint Peter asks him just one simple question:

“HOW  DID  YOU  ENJOY  HEAVEN?”

Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:

D   O   N  ‘  T        W   A   I   T

Not one of us can

A  D  D

another Day to our Lives.          .          .

but there’s also not a

Single ONE of US

that can’t

I       N       C       R       E       A       S       E

more LIFE to any Day

W  E      L  I  V  E.          .          .

D          O          N   ‘   T          

W          A          I          T