O      V      E      R      T      H      I      N      K      I      N      G

often    leads   to

E      X      C      E      S      S      I      V      E

if   not   in   fact

O        B        S        E        S        S        I        V        E

OVER  FEELING.          .         .

you  think.          .          .          ?

Have you ever gotten THAT dreaded piece of mail

that tells you that you are to report to the Courthouse on such and such a date

OR  ELSE.          .          .

When I first received it I made the call and begged off because of an already planned/paid for short vacation after Easter.          .          .

They told me that was completely understandable and that they would re-schedule me and I got yet another notice to appear

OR  ELSE.          .          .

So fearing/respecting the

OR  ELSE

I appeared this past Monday and after more than half of a day of reading a most awesome book

(YES, YOU  SHOULD  ABSOLUTELY  READ  THIS  BOOK)

My name was called

(very poorly mispronounced)

I went up to the Courtroom with about 25 others and actually sat in the Juror’s box

(I was Proud Juror #6)

for a day and a half

and answered questions from the Judge, The Prosecutor and the Defense Lawyer, I thought quite thoroughly, intelligently and sincerely.  I even added complimentary comments when the entire group was posed a question or a ‘what-if’ kind of scenario.  .  .

I had mixed feelings about even being a Juror just because of the time element and actually going to work at a job I like, enjoy, and hopefully enhance.          .          .

But now in the Box and hearing the compliments of how being a Juror was only second to serving our country in the military, and even further being complimented when I informed the Court that if this case were to carry over into the next week, I had made arrangements to change a previous speaking engagement.

I was asked by the Prosecutor about this blog, THE CARING CATALYST and what I was attempting to do by writing it three times a week and when I responded to hopefully make us not only more aware that we are a Caring/Compassionate lot but also how to become even more so for the good of others and even our own individual selves; he told me what a great venture and wished me luck.          .          .

And then at approximately 4:05 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon after dismissing at least 10 other jurors and questioning 10 others, he paused and said,

“Mr. Behrens, we appreciate you service and respectfully dismiss you at this time.”

WAIT.          .          .

WHAT.        .          .

You’re DISMISSING me.          .          .

M E?

I almost blurted, “There must be some mistake.         .          .”

Instead, I mumbled out, “The honor was mine, thank you for the opportunity.”

The Judge let me out his little back door, shook my hand, and expressed his personal thanks for being in a position where I might have taken care of some of his family and personal friends as a Chaplain at Hospice of the Western Reserve.     .     .

and then, like that, I was riding down the Elevator of shame back to the Juror’s Pool to be chosen and possibly rejected yet again, when I was met by a young man with a paisley bow tie who, too, thanked me for my time and let me know that my services would no longer be needed the rest of the week as he handed me my Juror’s Diploma

O        U        C        H

Dissed twice in a matter of five minutes.          .          .

I was reeling as I took the walk to my $13.00 dollar a day parking lot where my car even seemed to hide from me in shame.            .          .

How.     .     .HOW COULD THIS BE?

Who.    .      .WHO  WOULDN’T  WANT  ME  ON  THEIR  JURY?

Was I too polite

Wat I overdressed (just wearing business casual while others jean and sweat pants it)

Was I too compassionate

Was I too empathetic

Was I too sympathetic 

Was I too Caring

Was I too knowledgeable

Was I too opinionated 

Was I too impartial

Was I too biased

Was I too unfeeling

Was I too INTO IT

WHAT.          .          .WHAT.          .          .W     H     A     T  ?

It’s true.          .          .

I didn’t want to go;

I didn’t want to be there

even as I drove there Monday morning

but when I was in that Box, I was

INVESTED

and then

DIS vested

I didn’t sleep good Tuesday night

I ranted to my poor co-workers on Wednesday at David Simpson Hospice House

and then after our long team meeting and Rounds

I do what I do best:

Visited Patients

and IT

shouted to me 

this is why I am here

and not THERE

(THEN)

She asked me, “why am I afraid to die if I believe I’m going to heaven?”

He asked me, “if we all have to die, why can’t we all just die peacefully in our sleep without any struggles or terrible diseases.”

She asked me, “Will I see the face of Jesus?”

And it wasn’t so much what I said so much as that I was just

THERE

not at the Courthouse in a Juror’s box or a Juror’s waiting room but

T        H        E        R       E

not just with random patients, but

T            H            E            S            E

particular patients 

to hear the questions and to not blink,not turn away, not judge, not decide, not to hypothesize, suppose, ruminate or theologize or ‘there, there‘ them.       .       .

but just to be there

holding space.       .       .

I can’t think

what I think

until I think

As I write this blog,

two days after being DISMISSED

I can think what I THUNK:

It’s a lie:

It’s not that it’s darkest before the dawn

Charlie Brown’s Teacher talk Wha wha wha whaaaaaaaing that brings us

peace

meaning

resolution

understanding

hope

so much as the fact that

there’s   never   been   a   dark   night  (of the Soul)

that’s   lasted   forever;

now.          .          .

that’s thinking

what’s been THUNK

but needs RE-THUNKING

t      h      a      t

and the message that coursed itself through

T      H      A      T

book, ORDINARY GRACES

which quoted Aeschylus in the beginning and then explained its meaning throughout the novel.       .       .

It’s a quote that is also on the tombstone of Robert F. Kennedy:

“AND  EVEN  IN  OUR  SLEEP  PAIN  THAT  CANNOT  FORGET, FALLS  DROP  BY  DROP  UPON  THE  HEART,  AND  IN  OUR  OWN  DESPITE,  AGAINST  OUR  WILL, COMES  WISDOM  TO  US  BY  THE AWFUL  GRACE  OF  GOD,”

Y  e  a  h.          .          .

I’m thinking

what’s been thunk

needs re-thunking.          .           .

you?