O      V      E      R      T      H      I      N      K      I      N      G

often    leads   to

E      X      C      E      S      S      I      V      E

if   not   in   fact

O        B        S        E        S        S        I        V        E

OVER  FEELING.          .         .

you  think.          .          .          ?

Have you ever gotten THAT dreaded piece of mail

that tells you that you are to report to the Courthouse on such and such a date

OR  ELSE.          .          .

When I first received it I made the call and begged off because of an already planned/paid for short vacation after Easter.          .          .

They told me that was completely understandable and that they would re-schedule me and I got yet another notice to appear

OR  ELSE.          .          .

So fearing/respecting the

OR  ELSE

I appeared this past Monday and after more than half of a day of reading a most awesome book

(YES, YOU  SHOULD  ABSOLUTELY  READ  THIS  BOOK)

My name was called

(very poorly mispronounced)

I went up to the Courtroom with about 25 others and actually sat in the Juror’s box

(I was Proud Juror #6)

for a day and a half

and answered questions from the Judge, The Prosecutor and the Defense Lawyer, I thought quite thoroughly, intelligently and sincerely.  I even added complimentary comments when the entire group was posed a question or a ‘what-if’ kind of scenario.  .  .

I had mixed feelings about even being a Juror just because of the time element and actually going to work at a job I like, enjoy, and hopefully enhance.          .          .

But now in the Box and hearing the compliments of how being a Juror was only second to serving our country in the military, and even further being complimented when I informed the Court that if this case were to carry over into the next week, I had made arrangements to change a previous speaking engagement.

I was asked by the Prosecutor about this blog, THE CARING CATALYST and what I was attempting to do by writing it three times a week and when I responded to hopefully make us not only more aware that we are a Caring/Compassionate lot but also how to become even more so for the good of others and even our own individual selves; he told me what a great venture and wished me luck.          .          .

And then at approximately 4:05 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon after dismissing at least 10 other jurors and questioning 10 others, he paused and said,

“Mr. Behrens, we appreciate you service and respectfully dismiss you at this time.”

WAIT.          .          .

WHAT.        .          .

You’re DISMISSING me.          .          .

M E?

I almost blurted, “There must be some mistake.         .          .”

Instead, I mumbled out, “The honor was mine, thank you for the opportunity.”

The Judge let me out his little back door, shook my hand, and expressed his personal thanks for being in a position where I might have taken care of some of his family and personal friends as a Chaplain at Hospice of the Western Reserve.     .     .

and then, like that, I was riding down the Elevator of shame back to the Juror’s Pool to be chosen and possibly rejected yet again, when I was met by a young man with a paisley bow tie who, too, thanked me for my time and let me know that my services would no longer be needed the rest of the week as he handed me my Juror’s Diploma

O        U        C        H

Dissed twice in a matter of five minutes.          .          .

I was reeling as I took the walk to my $13.00 dollar a day parking lot where my car even seemed to hide from me in shame.            .          .

How.     .     .HOW COULD THIS BE?

Who.    .      .WHO  WOULDN’T  WANT  ME  ON  THEIR  JURY?

Was I too polite

Wat I overdressed (just wearing business casual while others jean and sweat pants it)

Was I too compassionate

Was I too empathetic

Was I too sympathetic 

Was I too Caring

Was I too knowledgeable

Was I too opinionated 

Was I too impartial

Was I too biased

Was I too unfeeling

Was I too INTO IT

WHAT.          .          .WHAT.          .          .W     H     A     T  ?

It’s true.          .          .

I didn’t want to go;

I didn’t want to be there

even as I drove there Monday morning

but when I was in that Box, I was

INVESTED

and then

DIS vested

I didn’t sleep good Tuesday night

I ranted to my poor co-workers on Wednesday at David Simpson Hospice House

and then after our long team meeting and Rounds

I do what I do best:

Visited Patients

and IT

shouted to me 

this is why I am here

and not THERE

(THEN)

She asked me, “why am I afraid to die if I believe I’m going to heaven?”

He asked me, “if we all have to die, why can’t we all just die peacefully in our sleep without any struggles or terrible diseases.”

She asked me, “Will I see the face of Jesus?”

And it wasn’t so much what I said so much as that I was just

THERE

not at the Courthouse in a Juror’s box or a Juror’s waiting room but

T        H        E        R       E

not just with random patients, but

T            H            E            S            E

particular patients 

to hear the questions and to not blink,not turn away, not judge, not decide, not to hypothesize, suppose, ruminate or theologize or ‘there, there‘ them.       .       .

but just to be there

holding space.       .       .

I can’t think

what I think

until I think

As I write this blog,

two days after being DISMISSED

I can think what I THUNK:

It’s a lie:

It’s not that it’s darkest before the dawn

Charlie Brown’s Teacher talk Wha wha wha whaaaaaaaing that brings us

peace

meaning

resolution

understanding

hope

so much as the fact that

there’s   never   been   a   dark   night  (of the Soul)

that’s   lasted   forever;

now.          .          .

that’s thinking

what’s been THUNK

but needs RE-THUNKING

t      h      a      t

and the message that coursed itself through

T      H      A      T

book, ORDINARY GRACES

which quoted Aeschylus in the beginning and then explained its meaning throughout the novel.       .       .

It’s a quote that is also on the tombstone of Robert F. Kennedy:

“AND  EVEN  IN  OUR  SLEEP  PAIN  THAT  CANNOT  FORGET, FALLS  DROP  BY  DROP  UPON  THE  HEART,  AND  IN  OUR  OWN  DESPITE,  AGAINST  OUR  WILL, COMES  WISDOM  TO  US  BY  THE AWFUL  GRACE  OF  GOD,”

Y  e  a  h.          .          .

I’m thinking

what’s been thunk

needs re-thunking.          .           .

you?

G            U            I            L            T            Y

You ever feel that

F    E     E     L     I     N     G.        .        .

Sometimes I feel so guilty

I need no

J u d g e

J u r y

E x e c u t i o n e r

I’m most perfect at all three

s i m u l t a n e o u s l y.              .              .

Do you believe

not once

but hundreds of times

I have actually stood before groups

and  proudly declared:

There’s no one better than the ONE

standing before you right now;

NO ONE

who could give a better presentation that

M     E.          .          .

I would say:

“I  BELIEVE  THAT  WITH  ALL  OF  MY  HEART!”

.          .          .”but,”

“I    K N O W    IT’S  NOT  TRUE,

and that’s what makes you work to be even better.          .          .”

G          U          I          L          T          Y

M  E  N     S  U  C  K

Maybe it’s because

I’m the biggest hypocrite I know

Maybe it’s because

I’ve been married and divorced

Maybe it’s because

I’ve been re-married now for 31+ years

Maybe it’s because

I’ve worked since 1994 in offices filled with women

but I’ve either

heard

seen

lived

experienced:

M  E  N     S  U  C  K

I get that an awful lot.     .     .

and yes.         .         .

the last time I checked,

I still kind of fit into that category

which has had me

putting my lips together very tightly

while opening my ears

Grand Canyon

w     i     d     e     l     y.            .            .

The gift of an Open Ear

is the most valuable possession I can share.     .     .

And I try

not just to listen

I severely attempt to actually

h          e          a          r

what a heart shouts

and a mouth can’t whisper.          .          .

“Well, he  left  me; he  just  up  and  left  me  after  8  years”

“How  come  he  doesn’t  listen, why  doesn’t  he  hear  what  I  say, or  worse yet, if  he  does  hear  why  doesn’t  he  acknowledge  me?”

“Why  is  it  always  about  sex; why  does  it  always  start  there  or  always  have  something  done  to  end  there; why  can’t  we  talk, really  talk  and  listen and  be  intimate  but  cuddling  or  just  holding  hands  without  it  always ending  up  THERE; don’t  men  know  that  the  greatest  sex  act  is  just  being held, being  heard, being  listened  to?”

“Why’s  the  bottom  line  always  about  how  much  things  cost  and  how  he decides  how  money  gets  spent  or  saved?”

“Why  am  I  never  good  enough  for  him; why  does  he  feel  the  need  to change  me  or  at  least  live  a  certain  lifestyle  OR  ELSE?”

“I  can’t  stand  all  of  the  lying.”

“He  never  really  tells  me  how  he  feels  and  I’m  a  terrible  mind-reader.”

T  R  U  S  T       M  E

What I have to offer

IS    N  O  T

a d v i c e;

I am no Guru

I’m not a

Dr. Phil

Judge Judy

Joel Olsteen

Best-Selling Author on relationships.          .          .

I offer

simply.          .          .merely

what’s in each of us:

My Ears

My,  o u r  Ability

to Listen.          .          .

But are ears are useless

unless they’re actually attached to

our hearts.          .          .

There has to be a willingness

to not just listen

to not just hear

.        .        .but a heart

that lets Another know

they’ve been

Acknowledged

Recognized

Noticed

Accepted

Un-Judged

L          O            V            E            D

It’s about letting Another

not so much know

but actually FEEL:

Right now

Your Pain

is My Pain

Your Disappointment

Is My Disappointment

Your Tears

are My Tears

Your Heart

is My Heart

and they are

S        H        A        R         E        D

never to be again

carried alone.          .          .

when   T H A T   is mutual

The Caring Catalyst

of me interweaves itself into

The Caring Catalyst of you

and WE

become a magnificent tapestry of colors

The brightest and darkest of hues

that SHOUTS

WE  NO  LONGER  ARE  HOLDING  ON  BY  A  THREAD

or a thick-never-to-be-severed-cable

but a tapestry

that serves a most magnificent safety net.          .          .

I remember a story that Henri Nouwen once told about the trapeze artists known as

THE  FLYING  RODLEIGHS

.        .        .he asked one of flyers the secret of trapeze artists

and one of the acrobats explained:

“The  secret  is  that  the  flyer  does  nothing  and  the  catcher  does everything.  When  I  fly  to  Joe (my catcher), I  have  simply  to  stretch  out  my arms  and  hands  and  wait  for  him  to  catch  me  and  pull  me  safely  over  the apron.     .     .The  worst  thing  a  flyer  can  do  is  try  to  catch  the  catcher.  I am  not  suppose  to  catch  Joe.  It’s  Joe’s  job  to  catch  me.  If  I  grabbed Joe’s  wrists, I  might  break  them, or  he  might  break  mine, and  that  would be  the  end  for  the  both  of  us.  A  flyer  must  fly, and  a  catcher  must  catch, and  the  flyer  must  trust, with  outstretched  arms, that  his  catcher  will  be there  for  him.”

M E N     S U C K

She said.     .     .

They said.     .     .

Yes.   .   .Yes, it’s true:

M   E   N      S   U   C   K

(and sometimes, others, too)

We all have the great capacity

to do just that sometimes

and actually make the worst

of the worst.       .       .

B          U          T

We have a great propensity

to be A Catcher

of One flying dangerously through the air

and bringing them not only to safety

but to an assurance

that can’t be found anywhere else than

through the intimacy

of a pure relationship .         .          .

Be That

B E       T   H   A   T

O f t e n

Now

And always

Every Next Time

A V A I L A B L E.       .       .

Your   P R E S E N C E

doesn’t require your advice

just your  v a l i d a t i o n.       .        .

G           U           I           L           T           Y

I  feel   IT

from  time  to  time

for not understanding

but hopefully never because of the lack of

WANTING  TO